Friday, September 14, 2007
Rough Day

i'm going through a really rough patch in my life right now. it's probably the worst i've experienced. i'm making this less obvious as possible coz this is really private. but i might die, not being able to let out as much as possible. i've spoken to friends about what had happened but apparently it's not enough.
nobody died. don't worry.

i was devastated after what that person did today. and i've been thinking about it non-stop. i just wanna forget everything and move on! i prayed to God, not wishing for him to take away all the problems immediately and to turn back time but trusting he would make this easier to bear and pass away as quickly as possible.

after talking to God, i realised throughout this while i've been thinking of hate and how i wanna pull that person's guts out (not) coz i'm really upset and angry. but what i should be doing is to forgive that person. the Bible says we should forgive one another seventy times seven (70 x 7) times. and that doesn't mean when we should only forgive 280 times! we should never stop forgiving others.

hey of course, it's hard to. i cannot count the number of times i've held grudges against people til this date.

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now i keep asking myself, will i forgive you and i still remain as your friend or should i just forgive you but end everything?
nobody has ever caused so much pain to me, ever. do i really matter so little to you that you can bear to do such a thing to me?
maybe i should blame myself for this too.
for hours i kept reminiscing over the past. what we've shared and had together. it really upsets me to know that we may never return to that stage.

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i was so overwhelmed with sadness that i had to do something. i had to channel the pain somewhere (but i didn't cut my wrists). i went to run. i had to convert the emotional pain to physical pain somehow. it didn't help much though. i guess only God and time could heal it.

on my way back from the run, we happened to cross paths. i was surprised. never did we cross paths before (even when we were on good terms) and why today after it happened? is it a sign? or juz pure coincidence? it was awkward seeing that person. we both saw each other and i really wanted to approach the other party. but i juz turned away and continued walking with greater speed.

i need directions.

i've been listening to songs and the lyrics just hit me right at the spot where it hurts most.

My insides all turned to ash, So slow
And blew away as I collapsed, So cold
A black wind took them away, From sight
And now the darkness over day, that night

And the clouds above move closer
looking so dissatisfied
but the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

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i know you've apologized but some things can't be solved by a single word. action needs to be taken.

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all that happened seems like a bad dream. you appearing in my life...i don't know if it's good or bad. i feel like I WANNA WAKE UP without the memories you. it sounds childish. yeah.

i just hope the Pamela that comes out of this would be better and stronger than ever.